Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret