Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Oh deer
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.