here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.