My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
i choose….tongue
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.