17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
never forget
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
They got Raph!
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.