A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.