[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
all bases covered
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Feel. He’s so soft.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
this is the greatest thing ever
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed