Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?