I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them