true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Where’s my employee discount too?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)