[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Mornin
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
accurate
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!