On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I need to update my racial profile.
Life hack
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot