I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.