Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.