‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
You Might Also Like
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”