on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered