Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display