The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?