[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
yeah no that’s fair
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top