I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Hell yeah 👍
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born