My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.