“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Hello Twits.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it