People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
(Gaming support cat.)
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I think this should do it.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
excuse me
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.