I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”