Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
lost dog
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.