The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.