Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Baking is just science you can eat.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever