a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
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Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?