I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
When they try to steal your moment.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there