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kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.