My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
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How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
He’s cranky this morning
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My beach vacation Google searches
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live