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Cannot stop laughing at this
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.