The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Go hard or stay average
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog