Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.