4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Follow me for more life hacks.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
😅🤣😂
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
How wrong was this guy?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I only eat vegetarians.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.