Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!