I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???