*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Mornin