What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
No. YOU-buprofen.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!