Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.