Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Tastes like chicken.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.