Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You Might Also Like
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
RT if you could go either way.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Peace was never an option
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.