Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
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BRO LMFAO
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
when there are deer in the woods
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!