If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts