I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
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Food gives you energy to nap more.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.