if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
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Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
are there any atheist mantises?