What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Hank is one in a melon.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.