I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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Dear Lord..
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies