Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up