Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.